I have written list upon list of things "to do" things "to make" things "to buy" and still nothing has been officially accomplished. Growing this boy has been tough! Definitely my most difficult pregnancy, and I really can't say that I have much to complain about, I kinda feel like a big wimp! haha After having done my own prenatal care with Ruby and birthing her so easily to this... yep, It leaves me feeling wimpy for sure.
On a more positive note, let me invite you into our pregnancy so far. And to get you into our frame of mind, I'll start by sharing what I feel is really the start of our journey with our baby boy. Last spring around the end of March we got news that we were pregnant. We had been working on this for several months and since this had been the first time we had to "try" to get pregnant we were ecstatic! A few weeks into the pregnancy, I started spotting and when that turned to bleeding we went for an ultrasound. Everything looked fine on the screen, we could even see the little gummy worm squirming around in there. However, not long after that, May 1, to be exact, we were scheduled to interview a midwife and about 15 minutes before she showed up, I felt the amniotic sac pop and everything came out. It was the most surreal moment I have ever experienced. I knew instantly what had happened and was already in the bathroom so I sat on the toilet and let it all pass. I couldn't look at anything but I called for Eric and I think he instantly knew something was wrong. He came and held my hand as I cried and the life I was growing slipped out of my body. Once there was a break, I got up and went to the bed. Eric confirmed the loss and also confirmed that we had been carrying a boy. Our first son. I heard him break down from the bathroom and my tears turned to sobs. We contacted the midwife we were about to meet with and she helped over the phone with details of what to do over the next day or so. I continued bleed for just a few days and then, it was over. Almost as quickly as we were pregnant, it was gone. He was gone. My heart hurt. I was so angry. Other people and their stupid happiness made me even more angry. Even those who tried to understand and told us they were sorry and couldn't imagine what we were going though... I wanted to punch them in the throat.
As always, though, time heals, and eventually my anger went away and God's grace moved in. I was able to look back and be thankful for the opportunity to have been pregnant with a boy, and even though I would have rather met him, I was/am able to grasp the understanding that I'll meet him one day when the time comes. We named him Caleb and planted a tree in his honor and so the girls would have a tangible way to understand his passing. Every now and then one of them will mention that they miss him and my heart breaks all over again.
In July, we found out we were expecting again. I was nervous and excited and I cried, a lot. It felt different this time though. Everything about it felt different. There wasn't an urgency in having some one to care for me. I wasn't doubtful, just more aware. My midwife later described these feelings as having lost my innocence and that describes it so well. All of my other pregnancies had been perfect with barely a complaint. I never had anything to worry about and I never worried! This time though, every little feeling made me think "uh oh". After a few weeks of normal pregnancy, we decided to search for a midwife. Eric was confident in birthing unassisted again but I just wanted a different experience, one with more women involved. :)
We looked through a few bios and websites of different midwives. I looked back over the ones I had contacted with the previous pregnancy but was pretty uninterested in going back down that path. The midwife who helped us through our loss was wonderful. I am absolutely positive we were meant to have been in contact with her for that reason. It just didn't feel right to go back down that path though, so I searched out new avenues. A friend recommended a woman she had interviewed as a doula and CBE years earlier when she was having her first. Even though she didn't hire her as a doula she still though this was a good fit for us. Not gonna lie, after looking over her website and reading through her bio and seeing all she has put together.. that was it for me. I really didn't even need an interview. I emailed her and we scheduled an interview anyway (per what the norm is). We told her our story, she answered a few questions, and I was pretty much like "Ok! I'm ready to sign the contract and get the ball rolling!" Oh I forgot to mention.. When I contacted her, even before our interview she added me as a friend on good ol' FB!! WHAT?! Being the nerd that I am, her social media connection was just icing on the cake! haha Eric made fun of me for basing my decision on her social media skills. haha Lets just say I am smitten with our choice of midwife. I see her accomplishments and am in awe, so not only do I trust her with our care, but I look up to her as an amazing mother and woman but also a leader in the birthing community. Someone that I can glean knowledge from just by being around her. And like I've said before, all of my closest friends have seen my lady parts... this has got to be a good sign of a friendship to come. So beyond my woman crush on our midwife, we have had an easy pregnancy. Outside of the normal "complaints" that come, I am healthy and babyman is growing and doing fantastic. We found out right before Thanksgiving that baby was in fact a HE. The naming journey has been a silly one. We agreed on William David Wehmeyer, I love it... but... I'd like to shorten William... we are going back and forth between Will and Liam. It's a tough choice. We will just have to see his little face to know for sure. A great friend of ours threw us a shower in March to celebrate him and we themed it a "man shower" complete with lots of meat and other manly food. If we could have included guns and 4-wheeling and other manly things we would have. Being in a residential community did not allow for that so we settled on lots of meats and man-themed decorations. We were blessed by lots of friends and family with their love, lots of hugs, and goodies for our baby boy! Since then we've continued to acquire all the little things needed to comfortably welcome a newborn into our house. All the birthing supplies are ready (with maybe the exception of our birthing tub, which has a few spots needing patches), and plans are in place for our amazing birthing team to be here. The team consists of our midwife and her assistant, a friend we asked to be a doula, and a photographer. Of course E and I will be there and the boy will join eventually as the star of the show. So, now all that is left is the waiting.... and waiting... My daily pregnancy update today (at 39+4) said, "Your baby is done developing and is just waiting to be born!" Hahaha This made me laugh big time! We are all pretty sure he is in there for another couple of weeks. He is actually measuring right on track for being ready to pop out in a couple of weeks.
So I guess the next post will be his sweet birth story... Date- TBD
Baby shower pictures:
Birth tub!!
Big ol' belly
Just growing
Our first diapers!!
This girl loves to snuggle up to my belly and says "Hi baby Lilliam"
They are all so sweet! I can't wait for them to meet him!
Here is the birth kit we ordered! Just like Ruby babyman gets a born at home shirt!
