Fleeting

Yesterday I learned that a woman I once looked to as a model for my future role in a family, is in her final hours. Over the years, I have lost contact with the family and to be honest when I knew them, it was more of an acquaintance relationship and I doubt they even remember me. The impact this woman had on my life is, to me, one of the most profound. Her husband was the pastor at the church I attended in college and I was close to him as people often are with a pastor; nothing out of the ordinary. I babysat for their kids a few times. There is really only one conversation I had with M, that has and always will stay with me. She gave me a small piece of advice that I have given others and have lived my own life by. M and I were talking about their family, she was pregnant with #3 out of 4 at the time, and I asked if they would be done having kids after this next baby was born. I expressed that I too wanted a 'large' family and wondered how she decided to have that many children. She replied with the most profound statement that sticks to my heart like glue. M said, "You'll know when your family feels complete." Further explaining that after each child she knew that her heart wasn't done expanding and loving and that she had room in there for more. I know it doesn't sound like much but those words put my world in motion. I have always loved reading updates (through the grapevine) about their family. When I learned that M was sick (cancer) I was heart broken. How could someone with so much sweetness to give the world and her family have to suffer such a disease. I began to imagine her struggles, having to come to the realization that her life was ending. From what I've read about her battle, in every trial she has triumphed, not in health but with a grace and dignity that is near impossible in her state. She's leaving behind four children, and innumerable friends and family. I could not imagine a person meeting her and not falling in love with her instantly. Looking back at the one moment I remember with M, I realize that, at the time I was just over 20 years old and had no concept of marriage and family life. Little did i know my life was soon to go on that journey. I moved back to Tn a few months later and met Eric, and you know the rest of THAT story. Here I am today 4 years later with a baby of my own and still leaning on this idea that my heart is not even remotely close to being done expanding and loving. M has been and will continue to be a huge part in my life and my family's life without ever knowing.
I have been reading on other blogs, doing all the research I can to find out more about her life in its last months, weeks, and days. (trying to avoid bothering her family with questions and friend requests on Facebook) It started out that I was looking for information and other's experiences with her recently, but not finding any has left me desperate to be near her. There are certain people I meet that I get a certain feeling about, and the only way i can describe the *feeling* is that it makes me want to snuggle up on the couch next to them or be in their lap. (Eric has heard this countless times when I talk about people) She is someone that is so comforting that I would love nothing more than to be laying in the bed with her snuggled up in the covers and listening to her breathe.

I read on her husband's blog yesterday (and I hope he doesn't mind me quoting him)

Tonight, as she was lying in her bed, resting peacefully, I asked her whether
she was afraid of dying. Although she can no longer speak, she
squeezed my
hand indicating that she was not. Then I asked her if
she
was looking
forward to seeing the Father and she emphatically
squeezed my
hand saying
“Yes!”
I am so proud of her! Her
courage, her
grace, her hopeful
perseverance......
She’s still
teaching me...still
loving me...and is still the love of my life!

This literally brings me to tears. I don't know what her status is as of now, but I imagine that whether she is still hanging on or with the "Father", there is peace in and around her. The strength of their marriage is one I strive for. "In sickness and in health" has never been so prevalent as in this example. Even in their tragic state, I am learning and growing from them. Remembering who she was when I knew her, I am confident that there is nothing but calm and peace surrounding her. M will continue to be the voice in my head when I make decisions for my family, and my example to follow as I show those around me Love.