Imagine All the People...

Something a lot of people don't really know about me is that I don't like church.. well you might already know that but you may not know that the word Christian or anything to do with Christianity TOTALLY turns me off. It gets under my skin like nobody's business. I don't read my bible, I don't take quiet times to pray or reflect on God. I don't have time. I acknowledge God as Love, something that is a part of my identity not someone above me dictating my life and making me feel guilty for 'sinning'. My spirituality is not something I often have or take the time to reflect upon, I simply don't have to. Its Love that I try to let guide me and in that Love I find confidence in myself and my own abilities.

I grew up kind of going to church with my parents just because it was what you were supposed to do, then we stopped because of my brother's soccer schedule. He would often have games or tournaments on weekends including all day on Sunday. We still did Vacation bible school for a while and little things like that but for the most part it wasn't something important in my house. When I was a sophomore in high school I started going to church on my own and the youth group I joined quickly became the 'it' place to be, and the group to be apart of. I always felt that most people that were there, only came for those reasons and I was participating in leadership roles and being a good christian, unlike most of the other's who came just to be cool or hang out with the good looking band boys ;) (something i quite frequently did too). I put myself on a pedestal because I was active and in good standing with the pastors and most of the adult administration in the church. I heard from a lot of the women that they could "see God's light shining from me".... Whatev.

I went on to college and continued in the same path. I went to a school a thousand miles away (literally) where I didn't know a single soul and quickly found my place in the same type of college ministry that my youth group had prepared me for. I spent time with the leaders, dated a couple of them ;) and when it was my turn, i took my place in a leadership position. I judged others for not being good people and I looked down upon those that partied (all the while envying them for their freedom). Something never felt right through all of this judgement though. I just knew there was more to life than heaven and hell and getting there and getting other people to go there. What about Now? What about the general compassion for people also known as Grace.

When I left Florida and came back home to Tennessee, I knew that God had something in store for me. I was back in cahoots with my BFF Chels, who along with her family were on a continuous quest to find TRUTH and Freedom among the madness that is Christianity. We read a few books together and she guided my mind to places I'd never even thought to explore. She still challenges me when she gets the chance (even though my momma brain doesn't hold too much extra right now). I met E who at the time was a literal Bible beater. He was a good man who was always in search of truth.. one of my favorite and least favorite things about him. :) We quickly fell in love and started on the Grace/ Truth journey together. We left the church building and became the church. Not in the institutional way most think of, we became a more literal church. We wanted to be in community with people and 'do life' with them. Not just show up at a big building sing songs, listen to some one dictate what they thought was the right way to live, and then return home not having met anyone. We learned that showing up to churches that have 'small groups" was KEY to our social survival. And have since gotten to know a lot of great people.

We thrive in the small group atmosphere and will continue to seek them out in whatever communities we migrate to. However, Eric is much more comfortable in these groups than I am. He still likes the idea of Christianity and reading his bible. I just don't. I get frustrated in conversations because a lot of times, even though the majority of Christians say "its not about religion its about 'relationship'," the religion, rules, and doctrine still come out in their conversations. They're still bound by rules and governed by fear, not Love.

The song "Imagine" has always ALWAYS been one that meant more to me than any other. Last night David Archuleta sang it on the American Idol results show and once again I was totally struck by the meaning behind the words. Take the very first verse:

Imagine there's no Heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the People

Living for today...

Christianity is so focused on this end result and how to get there or how to get other people there that they miss out on today and the beauty that is surrounding them.

It might sound silly but I had an encounter yesterday when I was driving in a parking lot. I was driving rather slowly through the parking lot, down an isle and another car was speeding through perpendicular to me. She was crossing the isles without even looking, and had my mom not yelled for me to stop she would have t-boned me. I would have likely been killed or at least the tiny life inside of me would have. I hit my brakes (which was easy since i was going the normal parking lot speed) and she barely even slowed. As she passed by she glared at me as if the potential accident was my fault.

I was immediately saddened and as my heart calmed down from the adrenaline rush, and she continued to glare at me, I became angry. The feeling grew and grew the more I thought about it. I was doing what was best for my family, protecting my daughter, my mother, my UNBORN, and myself. She was selfish enough to put all of that in danger, potentially take it all away from me, and then blame me with her stare! I started to think, how often I stop to think of another person's perspective. How often when driving do I think of the van in front of me that's going exactly the speed limit as a family, perhaps a new mom and dad protecting their new infant that is so very precious to them? How often do we step outside of ourselves and our immediate (wants and) needs and understand others' situations and LOVE them in those situations. Finding the TRUTH in situations often times means looking outside of our own perception of it and grabbing hold of a little compassion for what the other person may be going through. I know I'm not perfect and often times I'm extremely selfish, but every once in a while, those Love moments get me and bring me to my knees. Seeing the compassion in humanity and the beauty of it all, it just knocks me down. It's in those people who genuinely help others without ulterior motive. I know I'll drive a lot differently from now on, taking into consideration that those who cut me off might have somewhere more important to be than the gas station I'm headed to, or when I'm rushing because I took too long to get ready.